Today's blog post is going to be a little different.
Throughout this gratitude project there have been a few themes. I've noticed there are qualities within other people that I tend to focus on more than others. Of course, these are usually attributes I don't see within myself, making them even more desirable. Today, the one that comes to mind is humility.
As many of you know, I've been on a journey for a permanent, full-time job for about a year and a half. I've gone from temporary job to seasonal job to contract job. Needless to say, it's a bit exhausting.
This time around, as I dove back into the job search, I was feeling good. With an updated resume, new experiences, a sleek website, and refined interview skills (seriously, at this point, I think I could teach a class on how to nail an interview), I was determined to not let the job search get me down. Keyword: "was".
After a few weeks of phone interviews, assessments, and what seemed like potential offers headed my way, it all came to a halt. Within the past week I have been showered with rejections and silence. With great ease, all of the positive affirmations and encouragement I've received from friends and family is washed away. Feelings of inadequacy, uncertainty, and failure quickly takeover. Once again, the job search has won.
Yesterday, a particularly difficult rejection came my way. In short, interviewees are often not extended common, human decency. I'll get back to you if I ever figure out that one out.
Even so, after receiving this news, my brain quickly said "suck it up". Well, it said a lot more than that. I'll lay it out for you:
"Tym, sure, you aren't good enough to get a job but at least you have your pride. Don't let anyone know you're sad. I mean, sadness never helps anything, right? Oh, but also remember all those people you need to impress. You have to maintain the façade of success you've got going. OOOOH and the people that just LIVE to see you mess up... there's no way you can let them know you're not doing well. And how can I forget, as a gay, Christian man fighting for his place in the church, you can't femme it up all the time. Seriously, tears are for sissies.
Speaking of being gay, let's talk about that inner dialogue you love to walk yourself through. Things haven't gone quite as expected since coming out, have they? Mmmm, sure hasn't. Is it God punishing you for being gay? Ooooh, that's good. Yep, that's definitely it. Step back in the closet, Tym, and admit you're wrong. Maybe then things will go well for you.
Ya know, I also wonder what your friends must think of you. You're continually "struggling to find a job" or "longing for stability". You must sound like a broken record. You have certainly underwhelmed the world with your "success" after college. Maybe all you've got going for you is a friendly personality...? Good luck paying the bills with that.
In conclusion, remember this: your problems are NOTHING compared to what others are going through. In the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter. Post a silly picture on Instagram with a dumb quote about how good life is. They'll never know.
All of that because of one, simple rejection.
I genuinely don't want or need your pity. Seriously, I'm actually quite thankful for the community around me, the family I have, and the higher purpose that gives me a reason to live.
So there you have it. My attempt at humbling myself enough to say that I'm still figuring things out and that sometimes I need help to drown out the negativity. I've made a lot of progress in the past few years but sometimes my brain still gets the best of me.
My hope is that I continue to root myself in what truly matters, even after I (hopefully) earn that long-term job.